Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

For the love of God! I never would have thought that a film of such a great book series could end up this awful. Honestly, this is just insulting not only to the books it is based off, but to cinema in general. It has neither the brains nor the balls to keep you interested and has absolutely nothing in the way of positive entertainment.

The quality of the writing is simply atrocious no matter what way you look at it. While at first it seems like it is going to be like the book it becomes clear from the start that the story is nowhere near as good as it should have been. Despite any gripe I might have with the books here it feels like the people who made this film have simply no respect for fans or the consistently fascinating saga which it is very, very, very loosely based off. In other words the writers just threw their arms up in the air and said “you know what who gives a damn?”  It ends with a lacklustre final battle which is deprived of any fun by how badly the rest of the plot has been handled up to that point.

The so called “special effects” are about as good as the rest of this ugly mess. The CGI is just laughable and I swear they did not even attempt to make the Vampaneze look like they did in the books. Apparently all they had to go on was some purple contact lenses which they obviously didn’t realize are about as frightening as regular contact lenses. The wolf thing that was belched out of the film’s anus is needless to say a complete travesty because the filmmakers deliberately steered away from the serious Underworld approach and thus he is not even remotely scary is an unwanted figure of comedy. Had the effects been handled by somebody else then this could have been a real triumph.

It goes without saying that the acting is simply appalling. Someone obviously forgot that in the books Darren did not become a teenager until the start of the seventh book. The guy who plays him here aka Chris Massoglia, is far too old and quickly loses any respect because of his inaccurate portrayal and lousy performance. The same goes for Willem Dafoe who looks more like some sort of weird businessman than Gavner Purl. This point is accentuated by his substandard performance. Come one, this guy was in Platoon, grow some balls will already. In keeping with the rest of the cast Josh Hutcherson is also too old to be portraying the crazed Steve “Leopard” Leonard who has nothing in common with the character from the book. John C. Reilly is almost okay as Mr Crepsley, it is just a shame somebody forgot what he looks like in the book, much like with the rest of the cast.

I would recommend that you watch some other film rather than bear witness to this shameful catastrophe. The film is not soured so much by the horrible effects or the pathetic casting, but by the writing which fails to evoke any sense of terror or excitement. If you really want to waste an afternoon watch anything besides this.

Review

1.5
Summary: I would recommend that you ignore this if you see it and instead pick up the books which were infinitely better than this shameful display.
Necropunk Says - 1.5

User Rating: 0.0 (0 votes).

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009) Ed I would recommend that you ignore this if you see it and instead pick up the books which were infinitely better than this shameful display.

For the love of God! I never would have thought that a film of such a great book series could end up this awful. Honestly, this is just insulting not ...

0.8

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